It's been a while since my last post, but since I've been back in Houston, not much has really happened that has been all that blog worthy. Life is fairly quiet.
Oh, that's not really true... There have been things that have bothered me or intrigued me, but nothing that won't occur to me later or that needs to be particularly fresh when I write about it... That, and some of it is just too depressing (dying but not dead grandfathers and what not)... I just didn't want to write about it, so I didn't.
Now, I'm back at camp. Finally; I'm home.
Entries will probably relate to camp for a couple of months now, and that's a good thing. Also, they probably won't come very often; I plan on being very busy, after all.
I don't really have much to say... I've been waiting for camp for a long time now, and it's finally here or at least coming soon. I'm here, and for now, that's all that really matters. I have been reunited with my first and truest love, Slumber Falls...
For those of you working, have fun. For those of you in school, good luck. For those of you at camp, take care of our (collective) kids. For those of you not doing anything, get going; and, for those of you who feel left out of the 'for those of you's, get over it.
See ya'!
Life is Simple.
What do you want?
Life is that simple. Answer that question, and you've got it made. Once you know what you want, go get it. Life is that simple.
Maybe it's true that you can't alway get what you want, but you have to try... If you don't try, do you really believe that things are just going to fall into place... Please. Trust me, even when it looks like everything is going someone's way, there are two ways to look at it: Either there is something that you don't know or they knew what they wanted, and they went and got it, they worked their butt off. Life is simple.
There will be times in life when someone tells you 'no,' when someone or something gets in the way of what you think you want. Persevere. One 'no' is not worth giving up over. You will know when 'no' really means that you don't have a chance, and at that point in time, it will all be okay. Chances are that you will not even want it anymore.
People often say that you want what you can't have, but that's not true. It's stupid. When you really know that you can't have something, it doesn't bother you, you let it go. I know, I've seen it happen in the lives of nearly every single one of my friends and family members; I've seen it happen over and over again in my own life from always getting my way, to 'love,' to basketball, to test scores, to so many things... It is the way of the world...
And we shouldn't let anything bother us, we shouldn't worry. We are all guilty of worrying from time to time, but guilty is the right word and the perfect connotation. Worrying is a crime against yourself and those who truly care about you. Life is simple; don't worry.
If you worry about the things you can't change, you're a fool.
If you worry about the things you can change, you're an idiot.
If you can't change something, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter; get over it. If you can change something then just do it. Life is simple... just do it, just go get it.
What do you want?
Life is that simple. Answer that question, and you've got it made. Once you know what you want, go get it. Life is that simple.
Maybe it's true that you can't alway get what you want, but you have to try... If you don't try, do you really believe that things are just going to fall into place... Please. Trust me, even when it looks like everything is going someone's way, there are two ways to look at it: Either there is something that you don't know or they knew what they wanted, and they went and got it, they worked their butt off. Life is simple.
There will be times in life when someone tells you 'no,' when someone or something gets in the way of what you think you want. Persevere. One 'no' is not worth giving up over. You will know when 'no' really means that you don't have a chance, and at that point in time, it will all be okay. Chances are that you will not even want it anymore.
People often say that you want what you can't have, but that's not true. It's stupid. When you really know that you can't have something, it doesn't bother you, you let it go. I know, I've seen it happen in the lives of nearly every single one of my friends and family members; I've seen it happen over and over again in my own life from always getting my way, to 'love,' to basketball, to test scores, to so many things... It is the way of the world...
And we shouldn't let anything bother us, we shouldn't worry. We are all guilty of worrying from time to time, but guilty is the right word and the perfect connotation. Worrying is a crime against yourself and those who truly care about you. Life is simple; don't worry.
If you worry about the things you can't change, you're a fool.
If you worry about the things you can change, you're an idiot.
If you can't change something, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter; get over it. If you can change something then just do it. Life is simple... just do it, just go get it.
What do you want?
I'm Disgusted...
... with myself, with what I've become. I've been pathetic and weak, two things that I hate with a special kind of a passion but have let myself succomb to over and over again. NO MORE! I need to take care of myself with the same kind of strength and inner calm that I have when dealing with so many other aspects of my life.
I finally hit rock bottom the other day... I've been trying to find rock bottom for years, literally. There was a point in high school where I tried everything I could think of to screw up my life (okay, not quite everything, but I was working against myself)... I made my life miserable, and I gave myself all the time in the world to dwell on things, make things worse, and hold onto everything that caused me pain and interfered with the rest of my life.
I never even saw rock bottom. In the vast majority of the aspects of my life, things just kept going the same way: mine. I never managed to learn what I could and could not do, what I could and could not get away with... I never discovered my limitations, and I never inspired myself to change... after all, it is really hard to get yourself to change when almost everything is going your way.
Rock bottom for me was getting drunk with two girls whose lives were also not quite going the way they wanted (my guess is that none of us have fixed that in the past few days)... While I was drunk, I said some things and acted in a way that made me sound like a pathetic fool. We all did, but I took the cake, after all, I have to be the best at everything I do. Then, I fell asleep on the couch of the girl who broke my heart (admittedly a weak one, but that is part of the problem). Disgusting. That was rock bottom; I woke up with no dignity, save being sober.
Most of the things that I said that made me sound pathetic (not the things that made me sound noble and like a nice guy earlier in the night) are not true anymore. I can't say that in a matter of a few days they are all gone, but it's close, and I'm working on it. I'm changing things, actually changing things. That's how disgusted I was and am with myself, with what I've become. I will not tolerate such weakness in myself; it's pathetic and disgusting and makes me despise myself.
I got outscored, and I ran out of time. After so many years, it's over, it's finally over. Now, I'm getting over it; I'm getting over all of it, new and old. I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, on the outside and staring into my eyes, into my hear, my mind, and my soul...
I had to hit rock bottom if I am ever going to be what I need to be... so... thank you to all of you who helped me on this journey (seriously... come on... I'm still weird... and I really believed I needed to get here). Thank you Grandad Doctor. Thank you to all those who have ever doubted me, planting those first seeds into my head. Thank you Xeldaz (my dark side). Thank you Michael (my hiding side, the side that lets me get away with things that hurt myself). Thank you again to myself, for all my self destructive practices over the years. Thank you T.E.O (a lovely but fitting acronym that my family came up with a few years ago). Thank you girl (no nickname yet [though I've had some suggested... they just didn't quite fit], but, still, no names) for helping me finally finish the job.
Finally, I'd like to thank all those who helped me along the, slowing down my descent, and perhaps preparing me not to stay there once I hit rock bottom. Thank you to the three most important people in my life, my family. Thank you to all my friends who have ever served as distractions, however briefly. Thank you to all of you who I went to once or twice and were there for me when I needed them (Leah, Tara, Travis, Kyle, Charles, T.E.O, [even though I did get blocked soon thereafter], etc.). Thank you to all of those who I leaned on heavily over and over again (Sharon, Nick, Marshall, etc.). Last, thank you to SFC and basketball, my first two loves; I couldn't have made it without them even if they were also responsible for some of the pain... Sorry if I left anyone out, but I'm getting really tired of typing...
I need to learn to write shorter posts... Thanks for your time... I really needed to write this one for me... I hope you took something from this even though I didn't really get all that philosophical... I'm moving on now, but I'll be back on the blog; it's a good thing for me.
I finally hit rock bottom the other day... I've been trying to find rock bottom for years, literally. There was a point in high school where I tried everything I could think of to screw up my life (okay, not quite everything, but I was working against myself)... I made my life miserable, and I gave myself all the time in the world to dwell on things, make things worse, and hold onto everything that caused me pain and interfered with the rest of my life.
I never even saw rock bottom. In the vast majority of the aspects of my life, things just kept going the same way: mine. I never managed to learn what I could and could not do, what I could and could not get away with... I never discovered my limitations, and I never inspired myself to change... after all, it is really hard to get yourself to change when almost everything is going your way.
Rock bottom for me was getting drunk with two girls whose lives were also not quite going the way they wanted (my guess is that none of us have fixed that in the past few days)... While I was drunk, I said some things and acted in a way that made me sound like a pathetic fool. We all did, but I took the cake, after all, I have to be the best at everything I do. Then, I fell asleep on the couch of the girl who broke my heart (admittedly a weak one, but that is part of the problem). Disgusting. That was rock bottom; I woke up with no dignity, save being sober.
Most of the things that I said that made me sound pathetic (not the things that made me sound noble and like a nice guy earlier in the night) are not true anymore. I can't say that in a matter of a few days they are all gone, but it's close, and I'm working on it. I'm changing things, actually changing things. That's how disgusted I was and am with myself, with what I've become. I will not tolerate such weakness in myself; it's pathetic and disgusting and makes me despise myself.
I got outscored, and I ran out of time. After so many years, it's over, it's finally over. Now, I'm getting over it; I'm getting over all of it, new and old. I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, on the outside and staring into my eyes, into my hear, my mind, and my soul...
I had to hit rock bottom if I am ever going to be what I need to be... so... thank you to all of you who helped me on this journey (seriously... come on... I'm still weird... and I really believed I needed to get here). Thank you Grandad Doctor. Thank you to all those who have ever doubted me, planting those first seeds into my head. Thank you Xeldaz (my dark side). Thank you Michael (my hiding side, the side that lets me get away with things that hurt myself). Thank you again to myself, for all my self destructive practices over the years. Thank you T.E.O (a lovely but fitting acronym that my family came up with a few years ago). Thank you girl (no nickname yet [though I've had some suggested... they just didn't quite fit], but, still, no names) for helping me finally finish the job.
Finally, I'd like to thank all those who helped me along the, slowing down my descent, and perhaps preparing me not to stay there once I hit rock bottom. Thank you to the three most important people in my life, my family. Thank you to all my friends who have ever served as distractions, however briefly. Thank you to all of you who I went to once or twice and were there for me when I needed them (Leah, Tara, Travis, Kyle, Charles, T.E.O, [even though I did get blocked soon thereafter], etc.). Thank you to all of those who I leaned on heavily over and over again (Sharon, Nick, Marshall, etc.). Last, thank you to SFC and basketball, my first two loves; I couldn't have made it without them even if they were also responsible for some of the pain... Sorry if I left anyone out, but I'm getting really tired of typing...
I need to learn to write shorter posts... Thanks for your time... I really needed to write this one for me... I hope you took something from this even though I didn't really get all that philosophical... I'm moving on now, but I'll be back on the blog; it's a good thing for me.
Disenchanted with 'Adulthood'
I don't know how to start this one... I abhor the concept of modern 'adulthood;' I miss that childlike innocence and playfulness that permeated my world years ago... I'm going to start with a personal note (the world), but then I'm going to get a little bit more philosophical (the way it should be)...
Over the past few weeks or months or whatever, my world has progressively made less and less sense, a feeling that I'm sure just about everyone has had to deal with at at least one point in their lives... most of the stuff is too personal to discuss in so potentially public a forum, but suffice it to say that my life has fallen apart (again...) almost entirely due to the different things that come with 'adult life' in today's world, things like death, expectations, responsibilities, love, etc...
But... Sex.
Sex has come to be the focal point of society. The knowledge of its existence marks the beginnings of one's journey into adulthood. Later in life, sex turns into our singular obsession. Everything eventually turns into a sex joke. Everything sounds dirty, even when we don't know why.
I'm sick of it. It's annoying and frustrating. There is more in this world to focus on and talk about. I would love to go a day with no mention or thought of sex; it is a kind of dream of mine now.
My views on sex have always been tainted and confused by the culture that I have grown up in. Recently, I have become even more disenchanted. I have always known that sex had become something vulgar, but I had always believed that it could still hold true beauty for some... Now, I'm not so sure.
Sex should be something beautiful. It should be an expression of the incredible love that two people feel for each other. It should never feel like something that could be regretted... It shouldn't feel dirty, it shouldn't feel like any kind of expectation, and you shouldn't have any doubt whatsoever... Most of us have lost that today...
To make a long post a lot shorter, I'm going to cut out philosophizing too much more on the concepts we hold on sex and those that we should hold... I think that most of you know what I have in mind in regards to sex and that any further explanation of the topic would be a waste of words and space when most of you (hopefully) get the basic point...
I'm tired of sex... The very thought of it (in the broader concept from vaginal to what I've heard people classify as just 'messing [or fooling] around') leaves me feeling empty, nautious, sick (beyond just nautious, but the further feelings of weakness, instant loss of energy, headaches, etc), and depressed... I'm disenchanted and trying to escape 'adulthood.' I miss that childhood innocence and playfullness... so... I've been incredibly pathetic the past few days... I've only found one way to escape for brief moments until my own tainted mind catches up with me again (or someone else's sense I'm always on the internet... I can't ever seem to do just one thing unless it really is the most important thing in my life, and I haven't had that for months, except when I was standing in the rain in my previous post)... Thank God for PBS Kids! Even Disney and Nickolodean don't really cut it anymore (thank you Miley Cyrus et al)... Most times, sports are still pure, but you have to change the channel during commercials, turn off the volume so you can't hear the announcers, and look away any time the cameras pan over the audience...
The days of Big Bird, Barney, and Mr. Rodgers are special parts of our lives, innocent and playful. We should never completely let go of them, but the basic point of this blog entry is that sex should be beautiful... If the sex or messing around is not going to be beautiful, for any reason whatsoever (and you can all come up with your own examples, and if I were to try to include them here, my list would not be anywhere near properly inclusive), you should not do it... We are all going to make mistakes, of some kind, in our lives. We all deserve to be forgiven for those mistakes and not have them haunt us for any lengthy portion of our lives, but it is our responsibility to learn from those mistakes and not continually put ourselves into positions where repeating those same old mistakes becomes increasingly likely.
Thanks for your time in reading such an incredibly long blog post... I just didn't feel like I could say this in any fewer words, and I really wanted to use more and more and more... but I didn't...
Over the past few weeks or months or whatever, my world has progressively made less and less sense, a feeling that I'm sure just about everyone has had to deal with at at least one point in their lives... most of the stuff is too personal to discuss in so potentially public a forum, but suffice it to say that my life has fallen apart (again...) almost entirely due to the different things that come with 'adult life' in today's world, things like death, expectations, responsibilities, love, etc...
But... Sex.
Sex has come to be the focal point of society. The knowledge of its existence marks the beginnings of one's journey into adulthood. Later in life, sex turns into our singular obsession. Everything eventually turns into a sex joke. Everything sounds dirty, even when we don't know why.
I'm sick of it. It's annoying and frustrating. There is more in this world to focus on and talk about. I would love to go a day with no mention or thought of sex; it is a kind of dream of mine now.
My views on sex have always been tainted and confused by the culture that I have grown up in. Recently, I have become even more disenchanted. I have always known that sex had become something vulgar, but I had always believed that it could still hold true beauty for some... Now, I'm not so sure.
Sex should be something beautiful. It should be an expression of the incredible love that two people feel for each other. It should never feel like something that could be regretted... It shouldn't feel dirty, it shouldn't feel like any kind of expectation, and you shouldn't have any doubt whatsoever... Most of us have lost that today...
To make a long post a lot shorter, I'm going to cut out philosophizing too much more on the concepts we hold on sex and those that we should hold... I think that most of you know what I have in mind in regards to sex and that any further explanation of the topic would be a waste of words and space when most of you (hopefully) get the basic point...
I'm tired of sex... The very thought of it (in the broader concept from vaginal to what I've heard people classify as just 'messing [or fooling] around') leaves me feeling empty, nautious, sick (beyond just nautious, but the further feelings of weakness, instant loss of energy, headaches, etc), and depressed... I'm disenchanted and trying to escape 'adulthood.' I miss that childhood innocence and playfullness... so... I've been incredibly pathetic the past few days... I've only found one way to escape for brief moments until my own tainted mind catches up with me again (or someone else's sense I'm always on the internet... I can't ever seem to do just one thing unless it really is the most important thing in my life, and I haven't had that for months, except when I was standing in the rain in my previous post)... Thank God for PBS Kids! Even Disney and Nickolodean don't really cut it anymore (thank you Miley Cyrus et al)... Most times, sports are still pure, but you have to change the channel during commercials, turn off the volume so you can't hear the announcers, and look away any time the cameras pan over the audience...
The days of Big Bird, Barney, and Mr. Rodgers are special parts of our lives, innocent and playful. We should never completely let go of them, but the basic point of this blog entry is that sex should be beautiful... If the sex or messing around is not going to be beautiful, for any reason whatsoever (and you can all come up with your own examples, and if I were to try to include them here, my list would not be anywhere near properly inclusive), you should not do it... We are all going to make mistakes, of some kind, in our lives. We all deserve to be forgiven for those mistakes and not have them haunt us for any lengthy portion of our lives, but it is our responsibility to learn from those mistakes and not continually put ourselves into positions where repeating those same old mistakes becomes increasingly likely.
Thanks for your time in reading such an incredibly long blog post... I just didn't feel like I could say this in any fewer words, and I really wanted to use more and more and more... but I didn't...
Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain...
Right now, I'm just lying in bed listening to the pitter patter of the rain against my window, wondering if it has stopped reaining at all since last night, this morning, whatever, when I was standing in a parking lot soaking wet.
It felt good being wet. I enjoyed feeling each tiny drop come down on me for a couple of hours. It was a good night and a great feeling.
I certainly didn't plan on standing and talking in a parking lot for two and a half hours last night... I had an early final this morning... It wasn't exactly the smartest thing that I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for all the sleep in the world... and, quite frankly, I can't think of anything else that I would have rather been doing last night.
I love the opportunities that I have to talk with my friends, especially when we have the time, or make the time as the case may be every so often, to talk about everything from something to nothing. It makes me happy, it makes me smile...
Last night was especially nice because I had the opportunity to deepen a connection that had kind of fallen to the side of the road over the past couple of months. It felt great to affirm that friendship; I really enjoy spending time with her.
Somehow, the rain just made everything better... We were both cold, wet, and tired with early finals the next day, but it didn't really matter... and that's what made it so special.
Friends are an important part of life; when you find someone who is really special to you, you should never let them go, you should never let the friendship end for any reason as long as that person remains special in your life.
Rain can be cleansing. It washes away all the dirt and grime. It is a necessary ingredient for the foundation of life (water...). I feel refreshed and renewed. I feel good...
It felt good being wet. I enjoyed feeling each tiny drop come down on me for a couple of hours. It was a good night and a great feeling.
I certainly didn't plan on standing and talking in a parking lot for two and a half hours last night... I had an early final this morning... It wasn't exactly the smartest thing that I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for all the sleep in the world... and, quite frankly, I can't think of anything else that I would have rather been doing last night.
I love the opportunities that I have to talk with my friends, especially when we have the time, or make the time as the case may be every so often, to talk about everything from something to nothing. It makes me happy, it makes me smile...
Last night was especially nice because I had the opportunity to deepen a connection that had kind of fallen to the side of the road over the past couple of months. It felt great to affirm that friendship; I really enjoy spending time with her.
Somehow, the rain just made everything better... We were both cold, wet, and tired with early finals the next day, but it didn't really matter... and that's what made it so special.
Friends are an important part of life; when you find someone who is really special to you, you should never let them go, you should never let the friendship end for any reason as long as that person remains special in your life.
Rain can be cleansing. It washes away all the dirt and grime. It is a necessary ingredient for the foundation of life (water...). I feel refreshed and renewed. I feel good...
How This Works
No dates... I just post whenever I feel inspired...
Some of it will be personal (which I'll turn into something profound and reflective), some of it will be observational, some of it will be critical, some of it will just be some kind of reflection of the world... basically, anything goes... again, it's all about inspiration
... you'll come to notice that I have this thing for ellipses...
This should be fun, but it could get 'interesting' at times... I'll say it now: I make no apologies (though I may decided to make the occasional joke entry), I mean what I say (or type... they'll be interchangeable on this blog)
My goal is for anyyone who happens to read an entry to take something away from it; I feel like I have a lot to share with the world...
That's it for now. The rest you'll get just by paying attention and reading occasionally...
Let's go.
Some of it will be personal (which I'll turn into something profound and reflective), some of it will be observational, some of it will be critical, some of it will just be some kind of reflection of the world... basically, anything goes... again, it's all about inspiration
... you'll come to notice that I have this thing for ellipses...
This should be fun, but it could get 'interesting' at times... I'll say it now: I make no apologies (though I may decided to make the occasional joke entry), I mean what I say (or type... they'll be interchangeable on this blog)
My goal is for anyyone who happens to read an entry to take something away from it; I feel like I have a lot to share with the world...
That's it for now. The rest you'll get just by paying attention and reading occasionally...
Let's go.
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