I'm Disgusted...

... with myself, with what I've become. I've been pathetic and weak, two things that I hate with a special kind of a passion but have let myself succomb to over and over again. NO MORE! I need to take care of myself with the same kind of strength and inner calm that I have when dealing with so many other aspects of my life.

I finally hit rock bottom the other day... I've been trying to find rock bottom for years, literally. There was a point in high school where I tried everything I could think of to screw up my life (okay, not quite everything, but I was working against myself)... I made my life miserable, and I gave myself all the time in the world to dwell on things, make things worse, and hold onto everything that caused me pain and interfered with the rest of my life.

I never even saw rock bottom. In the vast majority of the aspects of my life, things just kept going the same way: mine. I never managed to learn what I could and could not do, what I could and could not get away with... I never discovered my limitations, and I never inspired myself to change... after all, it is really hard to get yourself to change when almost everything is going your way.

Rock bottom for me was getting drunk with two girls whose lives were also not quite going the way they wanted (my guess is that none of us have fixed that in the past few days)... While I was drunk, I said some things and acted in a way that made me sound like a pathetic fool. We all did, but I took the cake, after all, I have to be the best at everything I do. Then, I fell asleep on the couch of the girl who broke my heart (admittedly a weak one, but that is part of the problem). Disgusting. That was rock bottom; I woke up with no dignity, save being sober.

Most of the things that I said that made me sound pathetic (not the things that made me sound noble and like a nice guy earlier in the night) are not true anymore. I can't say that in a matter of a few days they are all gone, but it's close, and I'm working on it. I'm changing things, actually changing things. That's how disgusted I was and am with myself, with what I've become. I will not tolerate such weakness in myself; it's pathetic and disgusting and makes me despise myself.

I got outscored, and I ran out of time. After so many years, it's over, it's finally over. Now, I'm getting over it; I'm getting over all of it, new and old. I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, on the outside and staring into my eyes, into my hear, my mind, and my soul...

I had to hit rock bottom if I am ever going to be what I need to be... so... thank you to all of you who helped me on this journey (seriously... come on... I'm still weird... and I really believed I needed to get here). Thank you Grandad Doctor. Thank you to all those who have ever doubted me, planting those first seeds into my head. Thank you Xeldaz (my dark side). Thank you Michael (my hiding side, the side that lets me get away with things that hurt myself). Thank you again to myself, for all my self destructive practices over the years. Thank you T.E.O (a lovely but fitting acronym that my family came up with a few years ago). Thank you girl (no nickname yet [though I've had some suggested... they just didn't quite fit], but, still, no names) for helping me finally finish the job.

Finally, I'd like to thank all those who helped me along the, slowing down my descent, and perhaps preparing me not to stay there once I hit rock bottom. Thank you to the three most important people in my life, my family. Thank you to all my friends who have ever served as distractions, however briefly. Thank you to all of you who I went to once or twice and were there for me when I needed them (Leah, Tara, Travis, Kyle, Charles, T.E.O, [even though I did get blocked soon thereafter], etc.). Thank you to all of those who I leaned on heavily over and over again (Sharon, Nick, Marshall, etc.). Last, thank you to SFC and basketball, my first two loves; I couldn't have made it without them even if they were also responsible for some of the pain... Sorry if I left anyone out, but I'm getting really tired of typing...

I need to learn to write shorter posts... Thanks for your time... I really needed to write this one for me... I hope you took something from this even though I didn't really get all that philosophical... I'm moving on now, but I'll be back on the blog; it's a good thing for me.