I saw a list like this somewhere, and I decided to make my own, less serious (but still deadly serious), list. This is partly with the idea that Christmas is coming up but mostly for pure entertainment.
10. Laptop - aren't these things pretty much out of date the day after you buy them new?
9. Light Bulbs - probably already burnt out... I wonder how much I could make on eBay...
8. Books - college students like to buy used books, but then they're just all... used... folded pages, wrinkled covers... torn stuff... missing pages... writing in them... [shiver]
7. Mattresses - kind of hard to really wash those things... just think about it...
6. DVDs/CDs - why would somebody want to get rid of them? My parents still have a ton (perhaps literally) of old records... people don't throw out old music/movies unless there's something wrong with it
5. Swimsuits/Lingerie/Underwear - do I really need to explain this one?
4. Software - legality? Not having those product codes gets to be a real pain...
3. Food - why buy it? If you want it used, you can just rummage through the garbage... or... (more literally)... the sewer
2. Toothbrush - I like my toothbrushes nice and new, thanks.
1. Toilet Paper
Change
So, this past election season and its results have everyone talking about change, but that's not how change actually happens. Sure, things will be a little different, but do you really think that you're going to notice it in your daily life? No, but you might notice the bad economy that will probably cause a lackluster holiday season. Kind of depressing, isn't it?
But... it doesn't have to be that way. Change doesn't really trickle down from the top or from the government. Change starts at home. Change starts with us.
If you want the world to be a better place, then make it a better place.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to go about making dramatic alterations to their lives. You don't have to stop driving your car (though a walk every once in a while, just to clear your head, isn't a bad idea). You don't even have to volunteer an afternoon of your time to help those less fortunate (even if that would be greatly appreciated). You don't even have to give away any of your money (except to the government... and every little bit helps past that too). It is the little things that make the world a better place.
Hold the door open for the person walking behind you... even if you have to wait a couple of extra seconds for them. If somebody drops something near you, stop, and help them pick it up. If somebody does something wrong driving, don't honk your horn at them (maybe even just let them go in front of you). Smile at a stranger. Actually listen to your friends' problems.
Basically it boils down to this: Get your head out of your butt, and don't make everyone face the world by themselves.
We are all part of the world. If we all just looked out for one another, then the world would be a better place. The world would change. Maybe you have that power. Think about it. If you give someone else a little help, a little attention, don't you think that they would then be more likely to do the same for someone else?... I do. Please, change the world today.
But... it doesn't have to be that way. Change doesn't really trickle down from the top or from the government. Change starts at home. Change starts with us.
If you want the world to be a better place, then make it a better place.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to go about making dramatic alterations to their lives. You don't have to stop driving your car (though a walk every once in a while, just to clear your head, isn't a bad idea). You don't even have to volunteer an afternoon of your time to help those less fortunate (even if that would be greatly appreciated). You don't even have to give away any of your money (except to the government... and every little bit helps past that too). It is the little things that make the world a better place.
Hold the door open for the person walking behind you... even if you have to wait a couple of extra seconds for them. If somebody drops something near you, stop, and help them pick it up. If somebody does something wrong driving, don't honk your horn at them (maybe even just let them go in front of you). Smile at a stranger. Actually listen to your friends' problems.
Basically it boils down to this: Get your head out of your butt, and don't make everyone face the world by themselves.
We are all part of the world. If we all just looked out for one another, then the world would be a better place. The world would change. Maybe you have that power. Think about it. If you give someone else a little help, a little attention, don't you think that they would then be more likely to do the same for someone else?... I do. Please, change the world today.
There Comes a Time
There comes a time some one's life when they have to make their own decisions. There comes a time when they have to grow up.
It is a parent's job that they accepted by having a child to prepare their child for that time. If I were to grade them on their job performance, the only way that they would get and 'A' (and this is really for an 'A-') is to have their child ready to make their own decisions and pretty much capable of independence by the time they turn 18. They get a higher grade by giving their kid a head start, and they get a lower grade by having it take a little longer. They pass if their child ever actually grows up.
(side note: I realize that genetics plays some small role in this, but when I'm judging the quality of some one's parenting, I feel that the genetics they pass on to their child should also be taken as part of the account of their parenting success)
On this note, a parent does their child an extreme disservice if they try to force their decisions on their children after a certain point (for most, around the time that their child turns 18). A parent should not try to force their child's hand whether through finances, emotions, or any other manipulative tool. (note: a child should still seek their parent's advice on bigger decisions, but, ultimately, they need to make their own decision for their own reasons)
I am so thankful that my parents did a good job with me. I've had many different friends and acquaintances over the years, and not once have I ever felt a hint of jealousy over their parents. I could not imagine better parents than mine nor have I ever seen any that come remotely close. My parents love me, but they have never tried to control me. I am so thankful to them, and I love them. I respect them. I come to them for advice. Then, I make my own decision. I give them both a solid 'A+.' (to my parents: Thank you both so much; I love you)
Today, my parents earned another 'A+.' My brother turned 18 today, and he's been making his own decisions for a while now. They raised the two of us differently. They did not treat us the same. It drove us both crazy, but it worked twice. They gave each of us what we needed growing up, and, now, my little brother is ready to enter the world and take care of himself. (Kenneth, I love you. Good luck, you got this)
The moral: Parents - help your kids grow up then let them go. Some will fly, some will fall first, but they have to do it on their own. You can't always be there. Kids - don't let your parent(s) control your life. Everyone is capable (on some level) of making good decisions on their own, so do just that.
It is a parent's job that they accepted by having a child to prepare their child for that time. If I were to grade them on their job performance, the only way that they would get and 'A' (and this is really for an 'A-') is to have their child ready to make their own decisions and pretty much capable of independence by the time they turn 18. They get a higher grade by giving their kid a head start, and they get a lower grade by having it take a little longer. They pass if their child ever actually grows up.
(side note: I realize that genetics plays some small role in this, but when I'm judging the quality of some one's parenting, I feel that the genetics they pass on to their child should also be taken as part of the account of their parenting success)
On this note, a parent does their child an extreme disservice if they try to force their decisions on their children after a certain point (for most, around the time that their child turns 18). A parent should not try to force their child's hand whether through finances, emotions, or any other manipulative tool. (note: a child should still seek their parent's advice on bigger decisions, but, ultimately, they need to make their own decision for their own reasons)
I am so thankful that my parents did a good job with me. I've had many different friends and acquaintances over the years, and not once have I ever felt a hint of jealousy over their parents. I could not imagine better parents than mine nor have I ever seen any that come remotely close. My parents love me, but they have never tried to control me. I am so thankful to them, and I love them. I respect them. I come to them for advice. Then, I make my own decision. I give them both a solid 'A+.' (to my parents: Thank you both so much; I love you)
Today, my parents earned another 'A+.' My brother turned 18 today, and he's been making his own decisions for a while now. They raised the two of us differently. They did not treat us the same. It drove us both crazy, but it worked twice. They gave each of us what we needed growing up, and, now, my little brother is ready to enter the world and take care of himself. (Kenneth, I love you. Good luck, you got this)
The moral: Parents - help your kids grow up then let them go. Some will fly, some will fall first, but they have to do it on their own. You can't always be there. Kids - don't let your parent(s) control your life. Everyone is capable (on some level) of making good decisions on their own, so do just that.
What happens when you [pay attention]...
So, I was checking my profile today for whatever reason, and I noticed that it thought that I was over one thousand years old because I put down 87 as my birth year instead of 1987... computers are so stupid...
Anyway... is it bad that I noticed the mistake based on my zodiac animal instead of my age?
Anyway... is it bad that I noticed the mistake based on my zodiac animal instead of my age?
Because you never know...
So... I haven't posted in a while... Well, I've been working at camp and getting settled into the school year, so that's all the excuse that I need. Besides, you should all know that I wouldn't post anything until I had something really inspired to put out there to get me started again... Well, here it is (it's long, so, of course, I got it all put together right about the same time my coputer died... really died: it's not just taking a break... so maybe this is a tribute to the poor little thing). It is essentially creatively written philosophy of sorts:
Because you never know…
You never know what might happen. That is the most basic, ultimate truth in life. You just don’t know. I found that out the hard way… Or, I guess, it would be fairer to say that everyone else found that out the hard way… But then I did learn something too, even if the rest of the world will never really know it… I guess the only fair way to put it is that everyone found it out the hard way… Or at least everyone in my life… oh, whatever, it doesn’t matter.
I’m dead.
Nothing matters when you’re dead… or at least that’s what I thought. I always believed that there was life after death, but I figured that you didn’t really care about the world or at least that everything seemed okay after you were dead… After all, isn’t eternal life, at least for those of us who lived good lives, supposed to be filled with the wonderful experience of living forever in the presence of God? Well, not so much as it turns out.
What goes on in the living world still matters to me. What happens to the people I left behind still makes me happy; it still makes me sad. Things and people still make me feel all kinds of emotions that I always thought were vain concepts of souls trapped in the only form of life that we could understand… Nope, wrong again.
As it turns out, I was wrong a lot. I never really understood what everything was about.
Sure, I got most of it right in life, otherwise I’d be too busy screaming, or whatever it that they do in that other place, to write this, or think it… it’s hard to describe how things work in this next life to people still living their first life… I’m trying to use words and descriptions that will get the basic idea across even if the intricacies are lost in translation… Anyway, I got most of it right: Love the lord your God; Love your neighbor as yourself. I even understood what was meant when the ‘original’ Greek texts used the ‘agape’ version of love (there are multiple words in ancient Greek that mean ‘love’ in English, and each implies something different). I did everything that I could to love God and everyone around me unconditionally. Sure, it was hard at times, but it felt really good trying, and I wasn’t half bad at it either if I do say so myself… But I missed something; I missed something that makes a big difference in how you feel in the next life.
Love the lord your God; Love your neighbor as yourself. Love them both right now with everything you’ve got because you never know what might happen… I forgot that second part… Never put off until later what you can do right now because you never know what might happen… Who knows? You could die… like me.
I did a lot of good in my life, maybe even more than most, but that doesn’t matter here. Everyone here led a good life. Everyone here did a lot of good, and most did a lot more than they thought they did. What matters in this life is not how much good you did but how much you left undone…
Everyone has a certain amount of good that they can do in their lives. Those who live their lives to the fullest, doing what they can to help others and showing how much they love God and the people around them, are the ones who are the happiest. Those who let too many opportunities pass them by, who left too many things undone and unsaid, are the ones who find themselves miserable, at least for a while or from time to time (it is ‘paradise’ after all), in this life after life…
That’s where I am. Looking back, I did a lot with my life, but I didn’t do enough. God gave me so many gifts, but I only used them when it was convenient. I spent a lot of time just skating through life, letting the world come to me… I was good at it too… I didn’t just get by; I passed just about every test put in front of me with flying colors. I excelled at almost everything I did… But I didn’t use my gifts; I just let them carry me through life, doing good when it kept me from being bored… Sometimes, it seemed like I didn’t really care as long as I was entertained… Now, that wasn’t really true, but I always thought that I’d have time. I was young. I just wanted to relax, learn, and observe. I didn’t think that I was ready to go out and change the world; that was a part of my life that was always somewhere in the future… it was never in the right now.
One thing that hurts in this life even more than knowing that I could have done more to help those faceless people, and even those people that I knew in life, that so desperately needed it was something that was so easy that even my lazy butt should have been doing it all the time. You have to show the people that you love how much you love them, and give them the chance to show you how much they love you. It’s not even about big displays either. Sometimes it can be just telling them that you love them or making them feel special every so often. That’s what’s most important. That’s what makes a difference in this life…
Sure, it still hurts to look back at the people who you loved and who loved you grieving over your death… I’ve talked to a lot of souls, and no matter where they were in their life when they moved on, it sucked to leave people in pain… but it hurt even more for me and others like me who didn’t show the people they cared about how much they loved them… I was young… There would always be more time… If they died, they’d know, right? They will, but is that enough?
Doing good… Loving God… Sharing your love with those around you… Go do those things right now. Don’t come to regret anything. Don’t leave anything undone… For me, I always thought that there would be more time… I always thought that I would get everything done later, sometime in the future… Doing things right away never seemed important to me…
But it should have been…
… because you never know what might happen…
That drunk driver didn’t know that I wasn’t ready to die.
Because you never know…
You never know what might happen. That is the most basic, ultimate truth in life. You just don’t know. I found that out the hard way… Or, I guess, it would be fairer to say that everyone else found that out the hard way… But then I did learn something too, even if the rest of the world will never really know it… I guess the only fair way to put it is that everyone found it out the hard way… Or at least everyone in my life… oh, whatever, it doesn’t matter.
I’m dead.
Nothing matters when you’re dead… or at least that’s what I thought. I always believed that there was life after death, but I figured that you didn’t really care about the world or at least that everything seemed okay after you were dead… After all, isn’t eternal life, at least for those of us who lived good lives, supposed to be filled with the wonderful experience of living forever in the presence of God? Well, not so much as it turns out.
What goes on in the living world still matters to me. What happens to the people I left behind still makes me happy; it still makes me sad. Things and people still make me feel all kinds of emotions that I always thought were vain concepts of souls trapped in the only form of life that we could understand… Nope, wrong again.
As it turns out, I was wrong a lot. I never really understood what everything was about.
Sure, I got most of it right in life, otherwise I’d be too busy screaming, or whatever it that they do in that other place, to write this, or think it… it’s hard to describe how things work in this next life to people still living their first life… I’m trying to use words and descriptions that will get the basic idea across even if the intricacies are lost in translation… Anyway, I got most of it right: Love the lord your God; Love your neighbor as yourself. I even understood what was meant when the ‘original’ Greek texts used the ‘agape’ version of love (there are multiple words in ancient Greek that mean ‘love’ in English, and each implies something different). I did everything that I could to love God and everyone around me unconditionally. Sure, it was hard at times, but it felt really good trying, and I wasn’t half bad at it either if I do say so myself… But I missed something; I missed something that makes a big difference in how you feel in the next life.
Love the lord your God; Love your neighbor as yourself. Love them both right now with everything you’ve got because you never know what might happen… I forgot that second part… Never put off until later what you can do right now because you never know what might happen… Who knows? You could die… like me.
I did a lot of good in my life, maybe even more than most, but that doesn’t matter here. Everyone here led a good life. Everyone here did a lot of good, and most did a lot more than they thought they did. What matters in this life is not how much good you did but how much you left undone…
Everyone has a certain amount of good that they can do in their lives. Those who live their lives to the fullest, doing what they can to help others and showing how much they love God and the people around them, are the ones who are the happiest. Those who let too many opportunities pass them by, who left too many things undone and unsaid, are the ones who find themselves miserable, at least for a while or from time to time (it is ‘paradise’ after all), in this life after life…
That’s where I am. Looking back, I did a lot with my life, but I didn’t do enough. God gave me so many gifts, but I only used them when it was convenient. I spent a lot of time just skating through life, letting the world come to me… I was good at it too… I didn’t just get by; I passed just about every test put in front of me with flying colors. I excelled at almost everything I did… But I didn’t use my gifts; I just let them carry me through life, doing good when it kept me from being bored… Sometimes, it seemed like I didn’t really care as long as I was entertained… Now, that wasn’t really true, but I always thought that I’d have time. I was young. I just wanted to relax, learn, and observe. I didn’t think that I was ready to go out and change the world; that was a part of my life that was always somewhere in the future… it was never in the right now.
One thing that hurts in this life even more than knowing that I could have done more to help those faceless people, and even those people that I knew in life, that so desperately needed it was something that was so easy that even my lazy butt should have been doing it all the time. You have to show the people that you love how much you love them, and give them the chance to show you how much they love you. It’s not even about big displays either. Sometimes it can be just telling them that you love them or making them feel special every so often. That’s what’s most important. That’s what makes a difference in this life…
Sure, it still hurts to look back at the people who you loved and who loved you grieving over your death… I’ve talked to a lot of souls, and no matter where they were in their life when they moved on, it sucked to leave people in pain… but it hurt even more for me and others like me who didn’t show the people they cared about how much they loved them… I was young… There would always be more time… If they died, they’d know, right? They will, but is that enough?
Doing good… Loving God… Sharing your love with those around you… Go do those things right now. Don’t come to regret anything. Don’t leave anything undone… For me, I always thought that there would be more time… I always thought that I would get everything done later, sometime in the future… Doing things right away never seemed important to me…
But it should have been…
… because you never know what might happen…
That drunk driver didn’t know that I wasn’t ready to die.
Bug Zappin'
Nothing philosophical today... I have to save my energy for counseling eleven high school boys for a week starting tomorrow (it's going to be a challenge...)
But enough of that... no complaining, no worrying, no philosophizing... not tonight... there will be plenty of time for that later in life.
I love the down time before and between camps; and I love the people at camp... we can turn things that are kinda silly into hours of entertainment that we will talk about for months or years to come... Like murdering bugs...
I mean zapping... oops, I keeps slipping, shame on me...
The Executioner is fabulous... it's an electric fly swatter that pops when it sends a jolt of electricity through some unsuspecting bug's miniature body... it just makes you want to jump with excitement and glee (seriously, no joke, not even if you think I'm being sarcastic... camp brings out a little more Ryan, after all)
Turning on lights to attract new victims... there really isn't anything like bug zappin' (ahem *murdering)...
... at least until the next fantastic camp escape... (no, we still haven't set any tennis balls on fire, but maybe next weekend... after Kung Fu Panda, that is)...
But enough of that... no complaining, no worrying, no philosophizing... not tonight... there will be plenty of time for that later in life.
I love the down time before and between camps; and I love the people at camp... we can turn things that are kinda silly into hours of entertainment that we will talk about for months or years to come... Like murdering bugs...
I mean zapping... oops, I keeps slipping, shame on me...
The Executioner is fabulous... it's an electric fly swatter that pops when it sends a jolt of electricity through some unsuspecting bug's miniature body... it just makes you want to jump with excitement and glee (seriously, no joke, not even if you think I'm being sarcastic... camp brings out a little more Ryan, after all)
Turning on lights to attract new victims... there really isn't anything like bug zappin' (ahem *murdering)...
... at least until the next fantastic camp escape... (no, we still haven't set any tennis balls on fire, but maybe next weekend... after Kung Fu Panda, that is)...
Beware: Don't Cross the Line
There is a line; I have a line... It is really hard to find, and practically impossible to cross...
But... it can be done, and that's when things get 'ugly.'
I can and have taken anything that comes at ME... it doesn't matter; it all balances out in the end: I still find a way to come out 'on top' (I'll find a way to look at it that way eventually, at least)...
DON'T mess with the people, animals, objects, or ideas that I actually care about though. There aren't many of those, but don't mess with what I love.
I will fight for justice for them where I would normally just let it go if it only affected me. I will do anything for them (the list is short, I'm not promising much). If necessary, I will find a way to exact fair vengeance on their behalf.
Now, that brings me to my current world obsession:
A coyote crossed the line (at least that's the way it looks right now... I'm giving it a little while to play out).
That cat, my first pet, and my first chosen love (unfortunately, you don't chose your family, though I would have chosen the same family) had a few more good years ahead. She was almost eleven years old and an outside cat, but our cats live to be 14+ on average (and she was healthier than the average).
I miss Bitsy.
She disappeared about a week ago or so... she'd never been gone for more than a day before. There's no body in the ditches, and we're waiting for response from the signs... not much hope left, and the coyotes have been more active than in the past.
If nothing changes, they can expect a fair trade... If there are so many of them that they have to go after my cat, then I'll help their population problem before it adversely affects any other innocent lives...
Let's just say I'll be spending some hours sitting on a lake shore in the dark, waiting... and I don't plan on missing.
But... it can be done, and that's when things get 'ugly.'
I can and have taken anything that comes at ME... it doesn't matter; it all balances out in the end: I still find a way to come out 'on top' (I'll find a way to look at it that way eventually, at least)...
DON'T mess with the people, animals, objects, or ideas that I actually care about though. There aren't many of those, but don't mess with what I love.
I will fight for justice for them where I would normally just let it go if it only affected me. I will do anything for them (the list is short, I'm not promising much). If necessary, I will find a way to exact fair vengeance on their behalf.
Now, that brings me to my current world obsession:
A coyote crossed the line (at least that's the way it looks right now... I'm giving it a little while to play out).
That cat, my first pet, and my first chosen love (unfortunately, you don't chose your family, though I would have chosen the same family) had a few more good years ahead. She was almost eleven years old and an outside cat, but our cats live to be 14+ on average (and she was healthier than the average).
I miss Bitsy.
She disappeared about a week ago or so... she'd never been gone for more than a day before. There's no body in the ditches, and we're waiting for response from the signs... not much hope left, and the coyotes have been more active than in the past.
If nothing changes, they can expect a fair trade... If there are so many of them that they have to go after my cat, then I'll help their population problem before it adversely affects any other innocent lives...
Let's just say I'll be spending some hours sitting on a lake shore in the dark, waiting... and I don't plan on missing.
Back at Camp!
It's been a while since my last post, but since I've been back in Houston, not much has really happened that has been all that blog worthy. Life is fairly quiet.
Oh, that's not really true... There have been things that have bothered me or intrigued me, but nothing that won't occur to me later or that needs to be particularly fresh when I write about it... That, and some of it is just too depressing (dying but not dead grandfathers and what not)... I just didn't want to write about it, so I didn't.
Now, I'm back at camp. Finally; I'm home.
Entries will probably relate to camp for a couple of months now, and that's a good thing. Also, they probably won't come very often; I plan on being very busy, after all.
I don't really have much to say... I've been waiting for camp for a long time now, and it's finally here or at least coming soon. I'm here, and for now, that's all that really matters. I have been reunited with my first and truest love, Slumber Falls...
For those of you working, have fun. For those of you in school, good luck. For those of you at camp, take care of our (collective) kids. For those of you not doing anything, get going; and, for those of you who feel left out of the 'for those of you's, get over it.
See ya'!
Oh, that's not really true... There have been things that have bothered me or intrigued me, but nothing that won't occur to me later or that needs to be particularly fresh when I write about it... That, and some of it is just too depressing (dying but not dead grandfathers and what not)... I just didn't want to write about it, so I didn't.
Now, I'm back at camp. Finally; I'm home.
Entries will probably relate to camp for a couple of months now, and that's a good thing. Also, they probably won't come very often; I plan on being very busy, after all.
I don't really have much to say... I've been waiting for camp for a long time now, and it's finally here or at least coming soon. I'm here, and for now, that's all that really matters. I have been reunited with my first and truest love, Slumber Falls...
For those of you working, have fun. For those of you in school, good luck. For those of you at camp, take care of our (collective) kids. For those of you not doing anything, get going; and, for those of you who feel left out of the 'for those of you's, get over it.
See ya'!
Life is Simple.
What do you want?
Life is that simple. Answer that question, and you've got it made. Once you know what you want, go get it. Life is that simple.
Maybe it's true that you can't alway get what you want, but you have to try... If you don't try, do you really believe that things are just going to fall into place... Please. Trust me, even when it looks like everything is going someone's way, there are two ways to look at it: Either there is something that you don't know or they knew what they wanted, and they went and got it, they worked their butt off. Life is simple.
There will be times in life when someone tells you 'no,' when someone or something gets in the way of what you think you want. Persevere. One 'no' is not worth giving up over. You will know when 'no' really means that you don't have a chance, and at that point in time, it will all be okay. Chances are that you will not even want it anymore.
People often say that you want what you can't have, but that's not true. It's stupid. When you really know that you can't have something, it doesn't bother you, you let it go. I know, I've seen it happen in the lives of nearly every single one of my friends and family members; I've seen it happen over and over again in my own life from always getting my way, to 'love,' to basketball, to test scores, to so many things... It is the way of the world...
And we shouldn't let anything bother us, we shouldn't worry. We are all guilty of worrying from time to time, but guilty is the right word and the perfect connotation. Worrying is a crime against yourself and those who truly care about you. Life is simple; don't worry.
If you worry about the things you can't change, you're a fool.
If you worry about the things you can change, you're an idiot.
If you can't change something, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter; get over it. If you can change something then just do it. Life is simple... just do it, just go get it.
What do you want?
Life is that simple. Answer that question, and you've got it made. Once you know what you want, go get it. Life is that simple.
Maybe it's true that you can't alway get what you want, but you have to try... If you don't try, do you really believe that things are just going to fall into place... Please. Trust me, even when it looks like everything is going someone's way, there are two ways to look at it: Either there is something that you don't know or they knew what they wanted, and they went and got it, they worked their butt off. Life is simple.
There will be times in life when someone tells you 'no,' when someone or something gets in the way of what you think you want. Persevere. One 'no' is not worth giving up over. You will know when 'no' really means that you don't have a chance, and at that point in time, it will all be okay. Chances are that you will not even want it anymore.
People often say that you want what you can't have, but that's not true. It's stupid. When you really know that you can't have something, it doesn't bother you, you let it go. I know, I've seen it happen in the lives of nearly every single one of my friends and family members; I've seen it happen over and over again in my own life from always getting my way, to 'love,' to basketball, to test scores, to so many things... It is the way of the world...
And we shouldn't let anything bother us, we shouldn't worry. We are all guilty of worrying from time to time, but guilty is the right word and the perfect connotation. Worrying is a crime against yourself and those who truly care about you. Life is simple; don't worry.
If you worry about the things you can't change, you're a fool.
If you worry about the things you can change, you're an idiot.
If you can't change something, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter; get over it. If you can change something then just do it. Life is simple... just do it, just go get it.
What do you want?
I'm Disgusted...
... with myself, with what I've become. I've been pathetic and weak, two things that I hate with a special kind of a passion but have let myself succomb to over and over again. NO MORE! I need to take care of myself with the same kind of strength and inner calm that I have when dealing with so many other aspects of my life.
I finally hit rock bottom the other day... I've been trying to find rock bottom for years, literally. There was a point in high school where I tried everything I could think of to screw up my life (okay, not quite everything, but I was working against myself)... I made my life miserable, and I gave myself all the time in the world to dwell on things, make things worse, and hold onto everything that caused me pain and interfered with the rest of my life.
I never even saw rock bottom. In the vast majority of the aspects of my life, things just kept going the same way: mine. I never managed to learn what I could and could not do, what I could and could not get away with... I never discovered my limitations, and I never inspired myself to change... after all, it is really hard to get yourself to change when almost everything is going your way.
Rock bottom for me was getting drunk with two girls whose lives were also not quite going the way they wanted (my guess is that none of us have fixed that in the past few days)... While I was drunk, I said some things and acted in a way that made me sound like a pathetic fool. We all did, but I took the cake, after all, I have to be the best at everything I do. Then, I fell asleep on the couch of the girl who broke my heart (admittedly a weak one, but that is part of the problem). Disgusting. That was rock bottom; I woke up with no dignity, save being sober.
Most of the things that I said that made me sound pathetic (not the things that made me sound noble and like a nice guy earlier in the night) are not true anymore. I can't say that in a matter of a few days they are all gone, but it's close, and I'm working on it. I'm changing things, actually changing things. That's how disgusted I was and am with myself, with what I've become. I will not tolerate such weakness in myself; it's pathetic and disgusting and makes me despise myself.
I got outscored, and I ran out of time. After so many years, it's over, it's finally over. Now, I'm getting over it; I'm getting over all of it, new and old. I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, on the outside and staring into my eyes, into my hear, my mind, and my soul...
I had to hit rock bottom if I am ever going to be what I need to be... so... thank you to all of you who helped me on this journey (seriously... come on... I'm still weird... and I really believed I needed to get here). Thank you Grandad Doctor. Thank you to all those who have ever doubted me, planting those first seeds into my head. Thank you Xeldaz (my dark side). Thank you Michael (my hiding side, the side that lets me get away with things that hurt myself). Thank you again to myself, for all my self destructive practices over the years. Thank you T.E.O (a lovely but fitting acronym that my family came up with a few years ago). Thank you girl (no nickname yet [though I've had some suggested... they just didn't quite fit], but, still, no names) for helping me finally finish the job.
Finally, I'd like to thank all those who helped me along the, slowing down my descent, and perhaps preparing me not to stay there once I hit rock bottom. Thank you to the three most important people in my life, my family. Thank you to all my friends who have ever served as distractions, however briefly. Thank you to all of you who I went to once or twice and were there for me when I needed them (Leah, Tara, Travis, Kyle, Charles, T.E.O, [even though I did get blocked soon thereafter], etc.). Thank you to all of those who I leaned on heavily over and over again (Sharon, Nick, Marshall, etc.). Last, thank you to SFC and basketball, my first two loves; I couldn't have made it without them even if they were also responsible for some of the pain... Sorry if I left anyone out, but I'm getting really tired of typing...
I need to learn to write shorter posts... Thanks for your time... I really needed to write this one for me... I hope you took something from this even though I didn't really get all that philosophical... I'm moving on now, but I'll be back on the blog; it's a good thing for me.
I finally hit rock bottom the other day... I've been trying to find rock bottom for years, literally. There was a point in high school where I tried everything I could think of to screw up my life (okay, not quite everything, but I was working against myself)... I made my life miserable, and I gave myself all the time in the world to dwell on things, make things worse, and hold onto everything that caused me pain and interfered with the rest of my life.
I never even saw rock bottom. In the vast majority of the aspects of my life, things just kept going the same way: mine. I never managed to learn what I could and could not do, what I could and could not get away with... I never discovered my limitations, and I never inspired myself to change... after all, it is really hard to get yourself to change when almost everything is going your way.
Rock bottom for me was getting drunk with two girls whose lives were also not quite going the way they wanted (my guess is that none of us have fixed that in the past few days)... While I was drunk, I said some things and acted in a way that made me sound like a pathetic fool. We all did, but I took the cake, after all, I have to be the best at everything I do. Then, I fell asleep on the couch of the girl who broke my heart (admittedly a weak one, but that is part of the problem). Disgusting. That was rock bottom; I woke up with no dignity, save being sober.
Most of the things that I said that made me sound pathetic (not the things that made me sound noble and like a nice guy earlier in the night) are not true anymore. I can't say that in a matter of a few days they are all gone, but it's close, and I'm working on it. I'm changing things, actually changing things. That's how disgusted I was and am with myself, with what I've become. I will not tolerate such weakness in myself; it's pathetic and disgusting and makes me despise myself.
I got outscored, and I ran out of time. After so many years, it's over, it's finally over. Now, I'm getting over it; I'm getting over all of it, new and old. I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, on the outside and staring into my eyes, into my hear, my mind, and my soul...
I had to hit rock bottom if I am ever going to be what I need to be... so... thank you to all of you who helped me on this journey (seriously... come on... I'm still weird... and I really believed I needed to get here). Thank you Grandad Doctor. Thank you to all those who have ever doubted me, planting those first seeds into my head. Thank you Xeldaz (my dark side). Thank you Michael (my hiding side, the side that lets me get away with things that hurt myself). Thank you again to myself, for all my self destructive practices over the years. Thank you T.E.O (a lovely but fitting acronym that my family came up with a few years ago). Thank you girl (no nickname yet [though I've had some suggested... they just didn't quite fit], but, still, no names) for helping me finally finish the job.
Finally, I'd like to thank all those who helped me along the, slowing down my descent, and perhaps preparing me not to stay there once I hit rock bottom. Thank you to the three most important people in my life, my family. Thank you to all my friends who have ever served as distractions, however briefly. Thank you to all of you who I went to once or twice and were there for me when I needed them (Leah, Tara, Travis, Kyle, Charles, T.E.O, [even though I did get blocked soon thereafter], etc.). Thank you to all of those who I leaned on heavily over and over again (Sharon, Nick, Marshall, etc.). Last, thank you to SFC and basketball, my first two loves; I couldn't have made it without them even if they were also responsible for some of the pain... Sorry if I left anyone out, but I'm getting really tired of typing...
I need to learn to write shorter posts... Thanks for your time... I really needed to write this one for me... I hope you took something from this even though I didn't really get all that philosophical... I'm moving on now, but I'll be back on the blog; it's a good thing for me.
Disenchanted with 'Adulthood'
I don't know how to start this one... I abhor the concept of modern 'adulthood;' I miss that childlike innocence and playfulness that permeated my world years ago... I'm going to start with a personal note (the world), but then I'm going to get a little bit more philosophical (the way it should be)...
Over the past few weeks or months or whatever, my world has progressively made less and less sense, a feeling that I'm sure just about everyone has had to deal with at at least one point in their lives... most of the stuff is too personal to discuss in so potentially public a forum, but suffice it to say that my life has fallen apart (again...) almost entirely due to the different things that come with 'adult life' in today's world, things like death, expectations, responsibilities, love, etc...
But... Sex.
Sex has come to be the focal point of society. The knowledge of its existence marks the beginnings of one's journey into adulthood. Later in life, sex turns into our singular obsession. Everything eventually turns into a sex joke. Everything sounds dirty, even when we don't know why.
I'm sick of it. It's annoying and frustrating. There is more in this world to focus on and talk about. I would love to go a day with no mention or thought of sex; it is a kind of dream of mine now.
My views on sex have always been tainted and confused by the culture that I have grown up in. Recently, I have become even more disenchanted. I have always known that sex had become something vulgar, but I had always believed that it could still hold true beauty for some... Now, I'm not so sure.
Sex should be something beautiful. It should be an expression of the incredible love that two people feel for each other. It should never feel like something that could be regretted... It shouldn't feel dirty, it shouldn't feel like any kind of expectation, and you shouldn't have any doubt whatsoever... Most of us have lost that today...
To make a long post a lot shorter, I'm going to cut out philosophizing too much more on the concepts we hold on sex and those that we should hold... I think that most of you know what I have in mind in regards to sex and that any further explanation of the topic would be a waste of words and space when most of you (hopefully) get the basic point...
I'm tired of sex... The very thought of it (in the broader concept from vaginal to what I've heard people classify as just 'messing [or fooling] around') leaves me feeling empty, nautious, sick (beyond just nautious, but the further feelings of weakness, instant loss of energy, headaches, etc), and depressed... I'm disenchanted and trying to escape 'adulthood.' I miss that childhood innocence and playfullness... so... I've been incredibly pathetic the past few days... I've only found one way to escape for brief moments until my own tainted mind catches up with me again (or someone else's sense I'm always on the internet... I can't ever seem to do just one thing unless it really is the most important thing in my life, and I haven't had that for months, except when I was standing in the rain in my previous post)... Thank God for PBS Kids! Even Disney and Nickolodean don't really cut it anymore (thank you Miley Cyrus et al)... Most times, sports are still pure, but you have to change the channel during commercials, turn off the volume so you can't hear the announcers, and look away any time the cameras pan over the audience...
The days of Big Bird, Barney, and Mr. Rodgers are special parts of our lives, innocent and playful. We should never completely let go of them, but the basic point of this blog entry is that sex should be beautiful... If the sex or messing around is not going to be beautiful, for any reason whatsoever (and you can all come up with your own examples, and if I were to try to include them here, my list would not be anywhere near properly inclusive), you should not do it... We are all going to make mistakes, of some kind, in our lives. We all deserve to be forgiven for those mistakes and not have them haunt us for any lengthy portion of our lives, but it is our responsibility to learn from those mistakes and not continually put ourselves into positions where repeating those same old mistakes becomes increasingly likely.
Thanks for your time in reading such an incredibly long blog post... I just didn't feel like I could say this in any fewer words, and I really wanted to use more and more and more... but I didn't...
Over the past few weeks or months or whatever, my world has progressively made less and less sense, a feeling that I'm sure just about everyone has had to deal with at at least one point in their lives... most of the stuff is too personal to discuss in so potentially public a forum, but suffice it to say that my life has fallen apart (again...) almost entirely due to the different things that come with 'adult life' in today's world, things like death, expectations, responsibilities, love, etc...
But... Sex.
Sex has come to be the focal point of society. The knowledge of its existence marks the beginnings of one's journey into adulthood. Later in life, sex turns into our singular obsession. Everything eventually turns into a sex joke. Everything sounds dirty, even when we don't know why.
I'm sick of it. It's annoying and frustrating. There is more in this world to focus on and talk about. I would love to go a day with no mention or thought of sex; it is a kind of dream of mine now.
My views on sex have always been tainted and confused by the culture that I have grown up in. Recently, I have become even more disenchanted. I have always known that sex had become something vulgar, but I had always believed that it could still hold true beauty for some... Now, I'm not so sure.
Sex should be something beautiful. It should be an expression of the incredible love that two people feel for each other. It should never feel like something that could be regretted... It shouldn't feel dirty, it shouldn't feel like any kind of expectation, and you shouldn't have any doubt whatsoever... Most of us have lost that today...
To make a long post a lot shorter, I'm going to cut out philosophizing too much more on the concepts we hold on sex and those that we should hold... I think that most of you know what I have in mind in regards to sex and that any further explanation of the topic would be a waste of words and space when most of you (hopefully) get the basic point...
I'm tired of sex... The very thought of it (in the broader concept from vaginal to what I've heard people classify as just 'messing [or fooling] around') leaves me feeling empty, nautious, sick (beyond just nautious, but the further feelings of weakness, instant loss of energy, headaches, etc), and depressed... I'm disenchanted and trying to escape 'adulthood.' I miss that childhood innocence and playfullness... so... I've been incredibly pathetic the past few days... I've only found one way to escape for brief moments until my own tainted mind catches up with me again (or someone else's sense I'm always on the internet... I can't ever seem to do just one thing unless it really is the most important thing in my life, and I haven't had that for months, except when I was standing in the rain in my previous post)... Thank God for PBS Kids! Even Disney and Nickolodean don't really cut it anymore (thank you Miley Cyrus et al)... Most times, sports are still pure, but you have to change the channel during commercials, turn off the volume so you can't hear the announcers, and look away any time the cameras pan over the audience...
The days of Big Bird, Barney, and Mr. Rodgers are special parts of our lives, innocent and playful. We should never completely let go of them, but the basic point of this blog entry is that sex should be beautiful... If the sex or messing around is not going to be beautiful, for any reason whatsoever (and you can all come up with your own examples, and if I were to try to include them here, my list would not be anywhere near properly inclusive), you should not do it... We are all going to make mistakes, of some kind, in our lives. We all deserve to be forgiven for those mistakes and not have them haunt us for any lengthy portion of our lives, but it is our responsibility to learn from those mistakes and not continually put ourselves into positions where repeating those same old mistakes becomes increasingly likely.
Thanks for your time in reading such an incredibly long blog post... I just didn't feel like I could say this in any fewer words, and I really wanted to use more and more and more... but I didn't...
Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain...
Right now, I'm just lying in bed listening to the pitter patter of the rain against my window, wondering if it has stopped reaining at all since last night, this morning, whatever, when I was standing in a parking lot soaking wet.
It felt good being wet. I enjoyed feeling each tiny drop come down on me for a couple of hours. It was a good night and a great feeling.
I certainly didn't plan on standing and talking in a parking lot for two and a half hours last night... I had an early final this morning... It wasn't exactly the smartest thing that I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for all the sleep in the world... and, quite frankly, I can't think of anything else that I would have rather been doing last night.
I love the opportunities that I have to talk with my friends, especially when we have the time, or make the time as the case may be every so often, to talk about everything from something to nothing. It makes me happy, it makes me smile...
Last night was especially nice because I had the opportunity to deepen a connection that had kind of fallen to the side of the road over the past couple of months. It felt great to affirm that friendship; I really enjoy spending time with her.
Somehow, the rain just made everything better... We were both cold, wet, and tired with early finals the next day, but it didn't really matter... and that's what made it so special.
Friends are an important part of life; when you find someone who is really special to you, you should never let them go, you should never let the friendship end for any reason as long as that person remains special in your life.
Rain can be cleansing. It washes away all the dirt and grime. It is a necessary ingredient for the foundation of life (water...). I feel refreshed and renewed. I feel good...
It felt good being wet. I enjoyed feeling each tiny drop come down on me for a couple of hours. It was a good night and a great feeling.
I certainly didn't plan on standing and talking in a parking lot for two and a half hours last night... I had an early final this morning... It wasn't exactly the smartest thing that I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade it for all the sleep in the world... and, quite frankly, I can't think of anything else that I would have rather been doing last night.
I love the opportunities that I have to talk with my friends, especially when we have the time, or make the time as the case may be every so often, to talk about everything from something to nothing. It makes me happy, it makes me smile...
Last night was especially nice because I had the opportunity to deepen a connection that had kind of fallen to the side of the road over the past couple of months. It felt great to affirm that friendship; I really enjoy spending time with her.
Somehow, the rain just made everything better... We were both cold, wet, and tired with early finals the next day, but it didn't really matter... and that's what made it so special.
Friends are an important part of life; when you find someone who is really special to you, you should never let them go, you should never let the friendship end for any reason as long as that person remains special in your life.
Rain can be cleansing. It washes away all the dirt and grime. It is a necessary ingredient for the foundation of life (water...). I feel refreshed and renewed. I feel good...
How This Works
No dates... I just post whenever I feel inspired...
Some of it will be personal (which I'll turn into something profound and reflective), some of it will be observational, some of it will be critical, some of it will just be some kind of reflection of the world... basically, anything goes... again, it's all about inspiration
... you'll come to notice that I have this thing for ellipses...
This should be fun, but it could get 'interesting' at times... I'll say it now: I make no apologies (though I may decided to make the occasional joke entry), I mean what I say (or type... they'll be interchangeable on this blog)
My goal is for anyyone who happens to read an entry to take something away from it; I feel like I have a lot to share with the world...
That's it for now. The rest you'll get just by paying attention and reading occasionally...
Let's go.
Some of it will be personal (which I'll turn into something profound and reflective), some of it will be observational, some of it will be critical, some of it will just be some kind of reflection of the world... basically, anything goes... again, it's all about inspiration
... you'll come to notice that I have this thing for ellipses...
This should be fun, but it could get 'interesting' at times... I'll say it now: I make no apologies (though I may decided to make the occasional joke entry), I mean what I say (or type... they'll be interchangeable on this blog)
My goal is for anyyone who happens to read an entry to take something away from it; I feel like I have a lot to share with the world...
That's it for now. The rest you'll get just by paying attention and reading occasionally...
Let's go.
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